~Managing Motherhood ~

Thinking

2009-11-25T18:34:00.000-08:00

I want to write. But I lack clarity of purpose. I don't want to write without a purpose for writing.

I have been selfish for a long time. Every decision, action, thought is all about me. Me. Me. Me. My writing has been about me. How bad I have felt; my suffering. I wrote about it because I thought the writing would give me something. Like peace. Or comfort. Instead, the lamenting just led to more lamenting.

The suffering has become a kind of identity for me. An identity I wish to shed.

I want to write. But I don't want to find myself in the same place again. Stuck. Whining.

My life is filled with apathy. I want to feel something other than that. I want to write about something other than my apathy. Or my suffering because of the apathy. Or the apathy that has replaced the darkness that, for so long, clouded my mind and my life.

I want to have a purpose.

Maybe the best I can hope for is that, eventually, everything will work itself out. And, maybe, I can just write about that.

Ryka Rules

2007-09-13T10:08:00.000-07:00

Christmas arrived early this year! A few weeks ago, I received a package in the mail, the contents of which made me squeal with delight!

A new pair of shoes.

No, not those...

Not those either.

These.

Ryka Lotus running shoes.

To say that I love these shoes would be an enormous understatement. You see, I have flat feet. (There, I said it!) Because of the flatness of my feet, I have a great deal of difficulty finding shoes that will not, quite literally, break my pinky toe metatarsels.

I have endured many strains and fractures of that pinky toe bastard because my weight is not supported by an arch. You would think that nice arch support would solve the problem, but when I wear a shoe that has THE SLIGHTEST bit of arch support...my weight is transfered to my pinky toe metatarsel...and SNAPS that puny bastard like a twig!!

As luck would have it, I like to jog. I have tried many other kinds of exercise, but nothing does it for me like a good jog in the brisk morning air. Unfortunately, if I go more than 10 strides in a bad pair of shoes, I pay dearly. I have actually had to take off a pair of shoes (I won't mention the brand...Nike...oops, it just slipped out!) and walk home in my socks to avoid breaking my pinky toe.

Now, do you understand why I almost peed myself with delight after taking my Lotus Rykas out for a spin?

Pinky Toe Perfection!!

Nary another shoe will touch my pathetic pancake feet again!

Not only are the shoes killer, so is the company. I want this company to be really, really successful. Ryka was started by a woman and the company continues to give back to causes that support women. Ryka downright rocks.

And, they are totally giving away free stuff!! Go get some!!

Hello, new shoes!! Bye-bye blues.

The Bilingual Edge

2007-08-08T02:17:00.000-07:00

I have wanted to smack my husband up along side his head for many years. (How many times have I wanted to start a post with that sentence? Too many!) Because he promised me that he would speak Spanish to our kids. He promised me that it was important to him. He promised me that he was committed to helping our children learn the language that connects them to their heritage, the part of them that is him.

After having read The Bilingual Edge, I realize that it is just as much my responsibility as my husband's. (I would still like to smack him, though.)

This book is written by two women, both of whom are professors of linguistics and mothers. (They have just about as much "street cred" as is humanly possible!) Not only do they give excellent ideas about incorporating language into every day life, they use their academic background to thoroughly support every claim (and debunk every myth) with research. They address everything from edutainment language programs to starting bilingual playgroups, all of which is based in sound research and also makes sense (two things that ought to go hand in hand, but don't always).

There are some things that I have already changed in terms of incorporating a second language into my children's lives and there are more changes to come. I am rededicated to this task because they will have a greater degree of cognitive flexibility, creativity and a connection to their heritage through language. But Dora the Explorer, Muzzy and Plaza Sesamo will have little impact on my goal of bilingualism. Instead, we will be having a side of Spanish with our pizza every Friday. We will also add one Spanish book to the lineup each night before bed and start using some common phrases in Spanish. Not only that, I have asked Yaya and Papa to start using Spanish exclusively. This will take time, but they have already started. They are an invaluable resource and my children are lucky to have them.

The bottom line is: I don't need my Spanish speaking husband to be the one to teach my children Spanish. I can do it. And I will.

Ciao!

You can find more reviews for The Bilingual Edge, by visiting the Parent Bloggers Network website.

Transform THIS!!

2007-07-24T08:13:00.000-07:00

My oldest son has a good friend who happens to LOVE Transformers. They have often played together, Transformers at their sides, negotiating the machine-to-robot switch as they laugh and engage in pretend battles. As a result, we learned of the impending release of "Transformers: the Movie" which was released on July 4th.

Although it was heavily marketed for kids, including promotional toys at Burger King, this movie is NOT for children. Officially, it is for audiences aged 13+, hence the PG-13 rating.

Although my 6 year old son was bubbling over with delight at the prospect of watching this movie (and had convinced his Daddy to TAKE HIM!!), I held my ground. I searched for web clips and made my Irreverent Husband watch said clips. He laughed and said, "but the boy wants to see it!" I threatened. He knew I meant it.

I have since seen the movie. I was right, he was wrong...as per usual.

Shame on you, Dreamworks and Paramount. Shame on you, Burger King. This movie IS NOT FOR CHILDREN.

When Parents Hurt

2007-07-14T01:59:00.000-07:00

This book was hard to read. Not hard as in "wow, I don't know what that word means, I better drag out the ole Merriam Webster," but as in "does this guy know my mom and dad?"

Hard as it may have been, I'm glad I read it. My mom and I have had some interesting conversations stemming from my reading this book. I feel like we have even ironed out some things, because of this book. Not only that, my mother has had some personal insights into her own relationship with her mother. As it turns out, this book may have inspired 3 generations of healing. I'm not sure I can give a better review than that!

Although the book appears to be written for parents of adult children, there are a number of people who might find help in the pages. For me, I found insight into how my relationship with my parents influences how I parent my children. There are several quiz-type questions that are extremely helpful in identifying similarities between you and your parent (chapter 13). And personal stories that provide some descriptions of common parent/child situations and conflict that are easy to identify with.

I also feel like the book has armed me with information when it comes to parenting my (future) teen aged children. Not only in what to provide them (rules...so they know they are loved and protected, but not too many rules...otherwise they will feel stifled and controlled), but in what I can do for myself in the process of parenting teenagers (be compassionate with myself and forgiving).

This is an excellent book, a resource that I will keep with me for many years.

Finally, if you do not dissolve into a puddle of tears after reading Dr. Coleman's essay "When a Family Man Thinks Twice," you might want to check your pulse. What a beautiful, moving essay. What a wonderful, insightful book.

The 24-Hour Pharmacist

2007-06-26T23:48:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Bobita and I am a Google-addict.

(Hi, Bobita.)

Ah, it feels good to get that out into the open! I have heard that admitting you have a problem is the first step toward recovery... (One can hope.)

Within the past few months, I have been confronted with a number of Google-worthy ailments. Major Depression, Hypothyroidism, dying (er, DEAD) libido, arthritis in my freaking thumbs... Clearly, the Earth is tilted off its axis. (Why else would I be subjected to such a formidable array of health-related issues?)

Hmmm. What does Almighty Google say I must do in order to rid myself of these disturbing ailments?

Google said a lot. Google provided MILLIONS of answers. I clicked on the first 15 suggested websites for each ailment...and pulled myself away from the computer THREE HOURS later, somewhat wiser and certainly more TIRED!!

Enter "The 24-Hour Pharmacist."

This book is like Google on Crack. The information that took me THREE HOURS to uncover with Google? Was instantly at my GOOGLE-BLOODIED FINGERTIPS in The 24-Hour Pharmacist.

Some of my favorite chapters (already worn, with page corners folded over to mark their importance):
1: Overcoming Fatigue: From Stupor Woman to Super Woman
5: Antidepressants: Do you Need One to be Happy?
6: Frazzled, Frustrated, and Freaked Out: Coping with Anxiety and Stress
11: Monthly Madness: Cramps, Crankiness, and Other Hormonal Highs & Lows
15: More Jiggle, Less Joint Pain: What You Can Do About Arthritis

And, I have changed a number of things that have VASTLY improved my state of well-being and physical health over the past few weeks. Primarily, I have started taking the following supplements every day:
SAM-e
Gingko Biloba
Rhodiola Rosea
Omega oils
L-Tyrosine

Turns out, most of my symptoms are related, interconnected. For instance, SAM-e boosts mood and energy, improves the performance of antidepressants, can decrease premenstrual hostility and irritability, and also decreases the pain and swelling in arthritic joints. Two/Three/Four birds, with one stone!! Gingko Biloba increases mental acuity and attention and also increases the blood flow to your "happy parts," thereby increasing libido. Rhodiola Rosea is and adaptogen and can calm you down, ease depression, beat fatigue and even help you sleep better. Omega oils improve just about everything and L-Tyrosine can improve mood and energy, suppress the appetite and improve thyroid function.

Based upon my symptomology, I might also benefit from Selenium, a B-complex vitamin and 5-HTP.

I love this book. Seriously. Not only has it successfully replaced my Google addiction (related to health conditions, body ailments, and treatments...otherwise, Google is still my drug of choice), it has given me the satisfaction of instant gratification with a healthy dose of humor from an author who is knowledgable and unafraid to be a little irreverent. In fact, I'm pretty sure that Suzy Cohen and me...well, we could hang out!! Knowing drugs the way she does...I bet she mixes a mean Mojito!

Hi, my name is Bobita and I'm a recovering Google addict. But, I'm an ACTIVE 24-Hour Pharmacist addict.

(Hi, Bobita... Hey, what does Suzy recommend for a bum knee? How about a limp noodle? What doe she suggest for my snoring, pig, S.O.B. husband?)

Shrekkie, baby!

2007-05-27T20:12:00.000-07:00

My oldest son had a special day with his cousins, his aunt and uncle and his grandparents at a lake in the mountains on Saturday. The baby awoke with a fever and my daughter was still recovering from a cold, so we holed up at home while Lobito happily climbed into the backseat of my brother-in-law's car, right in between his two favorite people on the planet...his 15-year-old and 12-year-old cousins, both boys. As you might imagine, they are gods to my 6-year-old son. Consequently, his day-trip to the mountains was better than heaven for my boy!

Sepe and Faffi had a good day with mommy, but were both worn out by 10am. I tried to entertain myself as my two youngest slept for almost 4 hours (wooooo-hooooo!), but my fate was sealed when they awoke. In order to get my daughter to lay her weary head upon her pillow for a much-needed nap, I had to promise her a large green ogre. So, as soon as Faffi's eyes were open...we were off to the theater (phew-ter, as Faffi calls it).

The ogre more than made up for the fact that Faffi had been left behind when Lobito grinningly abandoned her for the lake earlier in the day. Shrek and the entire cast of characters made my daughter laugh and squeal with delight. She and I shared a favorite scene in the movie...the princesses kickin' ass to the tune of Baracuda. (I can hear it even now....ahhh-ahhh, ahhhh!!)

My daughter and I had a wonderful time together. I guess sometimes managing motherhood means that a mommy has to spend a little bit of special time with her girl. And a family of green ogres.

Boca Beth

2007-05-14T07:01:00.000-07:00

My children are bi-cultural. Which means that they are an amalgamation of two cultural influences. They are North Americans, but their father and their abuelos (paternal grandparents) are from South America.

Consequently, we celebrate the 4th of July in high fashion, decked with fireworks and red, white and blue, but we also celebrate Chile's Independence Day on the 18th of September. Over the years, the latter has taken place quietly, with a family lunch of Empanadas and salad...and it has also been celebrated in the shop outside my in-laws home, with dancing and music and non-stop laughter. Certainly, in the 17 years that I have known the Irreverent One, the 18th of September has not slipped by unnoticed.

My oldest son frequently spends the night with his Yaya and Papa on Fridays. During that time he watches the Nightly News from Chile (among OTHER things!) and listens to many, many stories. He also learns Spanish.

My Mother-in-Law is a former teacher, so she uses various methods to instill Spanish language recognition and acquisition.

Including, the Boca Beth DVD, Music CD, and Puppet. So, this review is from my Magnificent MIL (roughly summarized!)

The DVD and Puppets hold the attention of my 4-year-old and 2-year-old more than they do my 6-year-old. The puppet is very useful and she uses it not only with the DVD, but with most of the other Spanish language she teaches Faffi and Sepe. So, my two younger kids are learning more from the DVD than my oldest. I am happy to say that my youngest seems to be the most proficient. He can identify many articles in our home (thanks to the Boca Beth DVD) as well as all of his facial features in Spanish and English.

My MIL believes that the Music CD is the by far the best for all three children. They have learned every song (I was recently serenaded by my oldest...at the prompting of his Yaya!). My MIL likes the Music CD because it inspires the "most vigorous movement!" Which means that they dance, laugh, play musical instruments and sing along. They listen to the CD (First Spanish Songs) EVERY time they visit Yaya and Papa.

The Boca Beth program receives an enthusiastic "thumbs up" from my former-elementary-school-teacher Mother-in-law. Which, is NO SMALL feat! Should you be interested in teaching your child Spanish, this program deserves your attention. While this review is from the perspective of a native-Spanish-speaker, Yaya assures me that it is very easy for anyone to use.

(I must mention that this is the second Spanish language program that we have used. The first program was much more expensive (we borrowed it from a friend) and was not nearly as beneficial as the Boca Beth program. And, it was all on VHS...call me spoiled, I like the DVDs!)

Gettin' Cozi...

2007-04-23T22:49:00.000-07:00

I have a bit of a confession to make...
I am virtually incapable of organization and time managment.
Maybe "virtually" is the wrong word...

Ah, yes. Absolutely.

I am ABSOLUTELY incapable of organization and time management. I have tried EVERYTHING (short of that brain transplant surgery my husband has been hinting at) to get my life under some semblance of control.

Enter Cozi Central.

Cozi Central is a FANTASTIC website with an online family calendar program...that you can also download (if you have a PC). You can access the online calendar from any computer, anywhere (everything is password protected). And, you don't have to carry anything! What is so clever about an online calendar is that everyone in the family can access it from wherever they are (school, work, home). Everyone can exchange messages, insert calendar events and appointments and even add to the grocery list (which means anyone can print it off and actually DO the grocery shopping!!) You can also sync Cozi with Microsoft Outlook.

I can't tell you how excited I was when Parent Bloggers Network sent out information about Cozi Central! I'm pretty sure that I actually begged to be in on this particular campaign! Because, I need some kind of intervention for my complete lack of both organizational skills and scheduling prowess!!

I anxiously set up the Cozi basics and got to work making some lists (and checking them twice! heh.) I punched in a few appointments, including the Proposal of Dissertation Defense that I just completed YESTERDAY! (and knocked clean out of the park, thankyouverymuch!! Now I get to put "ABD" after my name! Yeah, baby! Feel free to bow down before me!!

Back to Cozi, I also showed my husband how to access and use it. We were off to a magnificent start but...I lasted two weeks. My obstacle was having to be at the computer to modify or add anything. I still think Cozi Central is wonderful, but it is perhaps geared more toward those families where one or more people regularly and frequently have a computer at the ready. (I actually think there are many, many families who fit that description, for whom Cozi Central would be a lifesaver.) But, for me to use the Cozi calendar program successfully, I would need to have a computer always available and at the ready. So that I could get everything into the calendar...before forgetting it or losing the tiny slip of paper upon which it was scrawled for the transfer to the Cozi calendar.

I'll still use Cozi Central, though. For the grocery list function. I have used that aspect quite successfully over the past few weeks. Also, there is a really awesome (like, totally) feature that I haven't tried yet, but expect to love. Apparently, Cozi will actually text-message your Grocery list to your cell phone. How COOL is THAT?! It seems so much like heaven, I can hardly even imagine it...no more lost grocery lists!! Somebody pinch me!

Let's Get Ready...

2007-04-11T05:40:00.000-07:00

My children are brilliant. But, I did not need to tell you that, right? I mean, of course they are brilliant...they are mine!! (Heh.)

My oldest son is currently in kindergarten. Heavenly, glorious PUBLIC SCHOOL kindergarten. He surprises me each new day with facts and tidbits of information that I may or may not want to know. He is inquisitive and loves to figure things out. Just this past weekend his magnificent curiosity was featured in a picture in the local paper. My boy...caught in the act of trying to figure out how a bug had found its way into a pipe! (me = swelling with pride)

So, on our recent trip to Manzanita, I made sure to bring along "Let's Get Ready For First Grade!" knowing it would keep him distracted and entertained. But as I reported earlier, the boy is a genius!

My Lobito has been reading the "Let's Get Ready for First Grade!" book for almost 2 weeks. When I looked through the book initially, I assumed that it would be something that we would work on together because the concepts seemed to be a bit beyond what he has learned in kindergarten. So, we sat down one night and went through the book. The book easily held his attention, with bright colors and fun pictures (his favorite is the 3 cats singing...). As we worked our way through the book, he had difficulty understanding two concepts: suffixes/prefixes and ordinals. The rest? Well, let's just say that on the way to Manzanita he was Teacher Lobito, thankyouverymuch!

"FAFFI, this is a QUAAARRR-TER. Can you say quarter?"

"Lobito! I'm not a baby!"

"Well then, how much money does two dimes and a nickel make? Huh?! You won't ever know until you listen to me teach you. PAY ATTENTION! This is an 'R,' see? It is a Daddy-'R,' but this book calls it something else that I don't know."

On it went, Teacher Lobito trying desperately to teach his non-compliant little pupil!

Overall, the book was not very challenging for Lobito. This was good, for two reasons. 1) It makes me even more happy with the education that he is getting. 2) Kindergarteners who are almost First Graders need concepts that they can easily master, so that they are never discouraged at learning. Which makes this book....absolutely perfect! It holds his attention, but is not too difficult that he becomes discouraged.

Definitely deserving of an "A."

Cleanliness is Next to...

2007-03-15T08:58:00.000-07:00

I was soooo very excited to get a package in the mail several days ago. The package was filled with little goodies. The kind of goodies that I desperately need in my possession.

You see, I'm a mess. Literally. In fact, I consider my level of messiness...an art form.

These? My actual dirty dishes. As ART!! Heh.

I have a great deal to learn about cleanliness, obviously! Although my house could use a good spit-shine, my car was actually crying out to me. Crying. Her name is Bumper and I overheard her whisper "help" to another car recently. It might be due to the books, papers and various articles of clothing stacked high in the back. Or the 15 different kinds of food wrappers cluttering the floor and seats. Or maybe it is the multiple milk-spill stains and dried Cheerios in the nooks and crannies?

My kids love this car. They love her so much that they named her. Yes, Bumper. So, when my bag of goodies arrived, my son leapt and screamed, "Oh yeah! These are for Bumper!!"

{You MUST go see the mom-friendly car cleaning products at Blink's website. Their slogo "Blink and its Done!" is perfect!}

I would like to tell you that the garbage bags (that come with a very cool hanger) and the spill remover wipes and the window spray are easy to use and convenient...but I have not yet had a chance to use them. Because...my children won't let me. The Blink products, all neatly placed in a blue bucket in the back of the car, belong to my children now. And Bumper?

SPOTLESS.

I will let Lobito explain...

Me: So, how do you like the cleaning stuff for Bumper?
Lobito: "They {the Blink products} are super easy to use. I
wiped off the finger-prints from my baby brother and my little sister, and even
the stickers that the Bank Lady gave us. My baby brother likes to put
those on the windows. Oh, and my Mom's coffee drips in the (what's that
thing called Mom?) oh, the cup-holder-thingy. Is it okay if I say
that's really gross? Cuz, mom...that coffee was even STICKY...and there
was a quarter stuck in it...
Me: Um. What else do you like?
Lobito: We can hang the garbage bags up and put all our garbage in
them. But, you can't put them by the baby, cuz he grabs them away...only
put them on the other side by Faffi. And, you can put everything in the
car. They have little holders, even. But I like them in the blue
bucket. Mom? Can I keep cleaning now?

So, there you have it. Easy. Convenient. Superior cleaning. You know what they say... from the mouths of babes!!

(So far he has cleaned Bumper every day. He asked if it could be his "chore." I couldn't refuse him!)

Managing Motherhood, Tip #5

2007-02-14T10:34:00.000-08:00

Weaponry.

When I was working as a child & family mental health therapist I learned the importance of quickly establishing rapport with a child. The process taught me how to engage a child in a significant and meaningful way, in order to build trust. So, I carried around my "bag o' tricks" packed with crayons, paper, finger puppets and used some tried and true methods of trust building. The results? Meaningful human connection within a matter of minutes. And, if the child had not been too damaged by other people, immediate trust.

As a mother, I find myself using some of the same skills with my own kids. My oldest son struggled with intense shyness and suffered at the hands of a bully last year in preschool. It took a toll on him and required diligent and intentional questioning, listening and empathy from me. Although it was awful for both of us, I did not know the full extent of his despair through the experience until I saw him blossom into a different person this year... at his new school.

Because my oldest is so shy, he has taught me a great deal about how to tease information out of a reluctant person. I have learned the techniques out of necessity; not only because of my son's personality, but because I am a very, very busy mom. I carry a full teaching load, research, write and still only have about 10 hours of daycare per week. Therefore, I have to make the most of every moment.

So, when I picked up my son from kindergarten last Fall and asked, "how was your day?" or "what did you do today?" or "what fun things did you learn about today?" and I was met with his pat answers of: "it was fine" or "we played" or "nothing, mom!" I was less than thrilled. Consequently, I had to call upon the skills of yesteryear. Wrestle out one or two tricks from the sleeves...

Deployment of Weaponry, #1: Be Wrong.

Me: "Hey, big guy! How was school today?"
L: "Fine, mom."
Me: "What did you learn about today?"
L: "I don't know."
Me: "Wait, wait! Don't tell me! Um, you learned about the letter 'Q,' didn't you?"
L: (appalled look on his face) "What? No! We learned about that letter already!"
Me: "OK, I can get this. DON'T tell me! You learned about 'T,' didn't you?!"
L: (less appalled, more disbelief) "Um, no."
Me: "OK, OK, OK. For sure it was the letter 'N.'"
L: (finally, sympathy) "Mom, you won't get it. You aren't anywhere close."
Me: "Oh, ho, ho. I already know what it is. You learned about 'R.'"

This whole process has two possible endings. 1) I guess the letter; or 2) he can't stand my incorrect guesses for one more second and blurts it out. At which point we have now overcome the first hurdle and he sets about telling me every detail about how they practiced the letter, which words they learned that start with that letter, etc. If he comes to another stopping point, I start another round of glorious ignorance...

Me: "So, what did you do for PE? Wait, wait; don't tell me! It was kick-ball, wasn't it?"

Deployment of Weaponry, #2: Not knowing.

L: "We played this game in PE."
Me: "What was it? Checkers?"
L: "No, it was like a big balloon."
Me: "Did you float up in the air with it?"
L: "No, we sat on it."
Me: "What do you mean, I don't understand."
L: "We flew it up in the air and then we went underneath and sat on it."
Me: "A balloon?"
L: "Yeah, like the ones that float with the basket and the fire that shoots out."
Me: "Oh, like a hot-air balloon!"
L: "Yeah, we puffed it up in the air, ran underneath and all sat on it."
Me: "Oh my god, no way! I used to do that same thing for PE when I was a kid!!"
L: "Nu-uh! Isn't it cool when the balloon slowly falls down. It is like being in a HUGE tent. It was soooo cool. Ben sat next to me and we laughed so hard!"

Muuuuuch better than, "nothing, mom."

Being wrong and questioning from a stance of curiosity or "not knowing," allows me to initiate conversation with my son that goes much deeper, gathers more information about his life and strengthens my bond with him... all during our 10-minute ride home.

Tip #5: Weaponry.

Motherhood, Chaos and Tip #4

2007-02-07T15:18:00.000-08:00

Clearly, the "One Monday at a Time" tagline has turned into "whenever I have a spare moment!" Heh.

I must premise this post with the following suggestion: please head over to Blooming Yaya and take a gander at the chaos that is my life... that should provide a nice backdrop for Tip #4!

As I was writing my review post regarding the book "Babyproofing Your Marriage" for Parent Bloggers Network, I realized that I was preaching without practicing. I loved the book for many reasons, but the point in the book that hit closest to home for me was "Relax don't do it." In the book, the authors invite mothers to join a call to inaction. A "letting yourself off the hook" for not maintaining a sparkling clean and perfect home just to measure up to the ridiculous Uber-mom standard.

What I took from that was a "relax the sphincter a bit." I have been living this "relax the sphincter" method for the past two weeks. Except that, the sphincter has become so loose that the house has become a complete sty. It is bad. B to the A, D. BAD.

The results have not been that I feel more relaxed, or that I have a renewed sense of focusing on what really matters rather than spending too much time cleaning and organizing. In fact, I feel quite the opposite. With the piles of dishes and laundry, toys strewn from one end of the house to the other, yellow toilets, crumbs littering the kitchen floor and sheets that haven't been changed for well over the requisite 3 weeks... I feel trapped in chaos.

I do not mean to imply that the authors of "Babyproofing Your Marriage" meant for anyone to let their house collapse into complete and utter chaos; it was simply that I took it too far. I have not lifted a finger to do more than replace a roll of toilet paper for almost 2 weeks. Granted I have been very busy with other really important stuff, but not so busy that I can justify the current state of my home.

So, today... I cleaned. The kids and I spent a few hours collecting toys, gathering dirty clothes and stripping the sheets off the beds. Before engaging in this ridiculously entertaining task, I realized something. We have waaaaaay too much shit in this house. In particular, too many toys.

We have many plastic storage bins that Trabinski and I use to trade clothes back-and-forth, so I grabbed five of them and headed upstairs. My oldest son spent an hour filling every bin to over-flowing. FIVE BINS. And, we still have many, many toys. But amazingly, the remaining toys fit in the specified toy area. More importantly, the toys feel manageable now.

Which brings me to Tip #4; get rid of the stuff.

Evaluate it and be honest with yourself. Is it too much? Are you always picking up the same throw pillows every single day? Are there too many pillows on your bed... that always end up in a pile on the floor? Do you have 322 pairs of shoes piled in every corner of your closet? Or 19 pairs of pants that you never wear? Get rid of it. Take it to Goodwill, Salvation Army or your Church Charity. You can be certain, someone else will put it to good use.

Likely, the result will be a sense of relief. And... fewer things to pick up!

A Little Inspiration

2007-01-29T13:41:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine passed this on to me the other day. I loved it so much and was inspired to remember what really matters, so thought I'd pass it on to you. I hope you are a bit inspired too. :)

Attitude

There once was a woman who woke up one morning,
looked in the mirror and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today!"

So she did

and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.

"H-M-M," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today!"

So she did

and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.

"Well," she said, "today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail."

So she did

and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.

"YEA!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

Attitude is everything.

Be kinder than necessary,

For everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Live simply,

Love generously,

Care deeply,

Speak kindly.......

Leave the rest to God

With love

Schedules & Menus & Chore Lists - Oh My!

2007-01-15T10:34:00.000-08:00

Although winter continues its course day after day up here in the North, we are changing seasons in the Trabinski household!!

For approximately 4+ years now, I’ve taken a hiatus from my teaching career to be home with my young-uns. Some days (years) I threw up my hands at motherhood, put on my “But I AM a professional!” hat, and bolted out the door in search of Perfect Balance. I wanted a part-time teaching job that would allow me to be home most of the week with my children, yet still feel like I could speak in complete intelligent sentences at least part-time. It just never worked out that way. Serious budget cuts in our district over the past 5 years have caused buckets of teachers to continue to lose their jobs each year.

I struggled with really WANTING to be home with my kids, but feeling like I completely SUCKED at stay-at-home motherhood. I think most days I’m a good mom, but the rest of the stuff that comes with it: laundry, cooking, errands, bill-paying, paperwork, and all other things that cross your path on a daily basis – I SUCK at. My picture of staying home with my kids was like, play-dates, mornings at the park, baking together, etc. There was not a hint of that “other” list in my romanticized dream of stay-at-home motherhood. I don’t know why – perhaps I chose to block it out – pretend it wasn’t there. I found myself feeling depressed many days because I was O V E R W H E L M E D with all that had to be done and I felt like it shouldn’t feel like Rocket Science to do it. Combine that with feeling like I should be with my kids on play-dates, at the park, and baking – and you’ve got a very overwhelmed mom with tremendous guilt. Sound familiar?

I tried to enlist help from my husband, tried to get the kids on a chore-list schedule, tried, tried, TRIED. Sometimes a week would go by and it worked. I’d be so excited that we’d found the answer. But a week later I was back where I started – too much to do and - no help. Some people told me “It’s just like that when you have little ones.” Others tried to lend advice, “Why don’t you just make a chore list for your kids?” : Concern from others was appreciated, but only overwhelmed me more.

Although I don’t think there ever will be “the answer” that works for everyone, I seemed to have stumbled upon a system that (knock on wood) has been working for 2 weeks now!! :) That’s big for me so I wanted to share it with you. I sort of have the philosophy that finding balance is like trying to stop smoking – it’s going to take several tries, and trying different methods before you find what works.

Managing Motherhood Tip #2: Confront the Chaos
(Try ANYTHING!!)

Here’s my 14-day chaos-free and counting method:

Write out your own schedule –
complete with playtime with the kids, planning/making meals, snacks, etc, errands, everything. I found when you keep track of all that you actually do – it’s amazing. It was for me and it was helpful for my husband to see too. (And remember in a paid job, you are required to take a break at least every 3 hours!)

Make a list of ALL chores –
things like taking the car in for check-ups, arranging for babysitters, kids’ music lessons, etc. It will be a pretty lengthy list for certain.

Sit down with your family and divvy them up –
with your personal schedule in hand so you can see what’s doable and what’s not.

Post them –
where everyone will see them every day. I thought I had a “flexible” schedule as a SAHM, so I took on more than what I had time for. What happened was that quality time with kids, husband, and myself got pushed to the bottom of the pile - and smothered.

In our Family Chore Chart, we have grouped some things together to make it easier to remember – we’ve also chosen to alternate weeks instead of days. It was the Shrink’s (husband’s) idea to do this and believe me – a n y t h i n g - to make it more doable for both of us was a welcomed idea for me.

With this new system in place, here’s what I’ve found:

I have help!!
I am no longer in charge of EVERYTHING outside of the Shrink’s office. When we both do our part, I have noticed that we also both feel more encouraged to help the other out with his/her work if we have time.

Our house is tidy!!
Although my kids still grumble about tidy-time, I’m not the only one trying to remember it and enforce it, so they realize it is a family thing. It is becoming a habit for them and the grumbling is short-lived.

Everyone is happier!!
Waking up to a tidy home, clean clothes in our drawers, ideas for meals posted with groceries in the fridge, makes for smoother transitions and way less reason for conflict.

Please click the hyperlinks to find examples of my Family Chore Chart and my Weekly Menu Template. Feel free to take what you want from them; you should be able to cut and paste them into a Word document so that you can configure and edit them to fit your specific needs. Or use them as a springboard to help you build your own system.

I hope these lists and charts will be helpful to you in some way!

This new season of Collaborated Effort sends those winter blues right out the door at our house. Good luck with yours!

Be sure to keep us posted on how it’s going and share your own tips with us!!

Depression and Motherhood ~or~ The Torture Chamber

2007-01-10T01:02:00.000-08:00

I have done a wee bit of research on depression and stress as experienced by first-time parents, particularly first-time mothers. Since the majority of those who read this little blog are mothers, I thought you might find the information useful.

I have written a few papers and am also using depression as a variable in my dissertation, so I have gathered some 200 research articles focusing on depression in women. If you are a mother, you will not be at all surprised with what I have gathered.

Women are over-represented in all cases of formally diagnosed Major Depression (and all other mood disorders: Anxiety, Dysthymia, Panic attacks.). This is probably due to the fact that we "internalize" our feelings rather than "externalize" them. Men are more likely to "externalize" their feelings, which means that they are more often diagnosed with aggressive disorders like Oppositional Defiant, Conduct Disorder, Sociopath, Antisocial. All of this may be because of our socialization, our biology, or both. (Many theories abound!)

While women are more likely to experience depression, there are categories of "woman" that help to focus in on who, among women, are most at risk for depression. The most common assumption is that teenagers are most at risk, but there is a great deal of literature that challenges that assumption. Once the label of "woman" is broken down into categories, usually by the role each woman occupies, another group emerges as most at risk.

Mothers.

First-time motherhood is extremely challenging. Approximately 10% of mothers will experience Post-Partum Depression and up to 80% of mothers will experience Baby Blues. The most common cited reasons for any Post-natal Depression is: lack of marital support, sleep deprivation, feelings of inadequacy and lack of social support. The risk of depression among first-time mothers is compounded by: a too short, non-existent or unpaid maternity leave, isolation, inequality of the distribution of household chores and if the mother works outside the home…an unsupportive work environment.

However high the risk for depression among first-time mothers, it is even higher for women who have 3 or more dependent children (this usually means children under age 6), the risk increasing drastically with each additional child. Add to this mix "daily hassles" and you have identified the women most at risk for depression. (Although there is some research that suggests by including the variable “single mother” the risk is even higher.)

Again, this woman is: mother to 3 or more dependent children, sleep deprived, not supported at work, not supported emotionally by her partner, finds the distribution of household/childcare responsibilities to be unfair or unequal (this is true whether or not she works outside the home) with a high number of "daily hassles" (which means any kink in the routine, such as: a flat tire, a broken dishwasher, out of toilet paper, no formula in the house, etc.). Are you surprised by this information? Neither am I.

That woman that I just described?
I, am that woman.

Although I agree with the general findings, I believe that sleep deprivation is the most important variable to consider. I also believe it is the most detrimental.

Research suggests that 80% of all illness and disease has a stress component. This is also true with psychological difficulties and emotional problems…many of which are related to stress. The effects of sleep deprivation look exactly like depression. This is likely why it is one of the top correlating variables to Post-natal depression. But it is also why sleep deprivation is cited as a precursor to relationship difficulties and a higher sensitivity to conflict with a partner or spouse.

Do you know what sleep deprivation does to a person? Have you seen The Machinist? Do you know that sleep deprivation is one of the most common forms of torture? It is one of the "acceptable" forms of torture at Guantanamo. Do you know why? Because it is highly effective as a means of “breaking” someone.

A method of torture! Torture that most every mother must endure for 3 months to 6 years or more of her life. That woman that I described above? Guess what happens to her as soon as her number of dependent children decreases (meaning that they start 1st grade, start daycare full-time)? Her depression steadily decreases. Disappears, even.

Sleep deprivation is used as a method of torture for a reason. It messes with you. It can drive you crazy. It can cause Depression. Perhaps it is Depression. It can also make you hallucinate, can lead to psychosis (remember Andrea Yates? She was diagnosed with PPD with a heaping side-dish of Psychosis. How many young, dependent children did she have?).

Why am I telling you this? Certainly not to condone Andrea Yates' actions. My purpose is to explain to you that what you are experiencing, if you happen to be a mother who is sleep deprived, depressed…or both, is a natural by-product of motherhood. I know you love your kids, that you absolutely treasure your beautiful, fat baby. But I also know that you likely feel trapped in a torture chamber on some days.

Those late night feedings, diaper changes, night-frights, hour long rocking sessions…if you can do all (or any) of those things and never experience some of the repercussions of sleep deprivation…well, you might not be human. Or you are exceptionally blessed with a high tolerance for torture!

Managing Motherhood Tip #1: Get more sleep.

Explain to your husband/partner the effects of sleep deprivation (particularly how it relates to your relationship with them: decreased libido, higher sensitivity to conflict. Explain that by you getting more sleep…you might like them more!!). Then ask them to take over all childcare responsibilities for a few nights each week. Or ask them to let you sleep in on the weekend. Demand it. If there is no one to give you support in this area (your mom, or a close friend who will come to your house and watch the baby while you catch a nap), most mid-sized towns and large cities have a childcare respite program of some sort. Check into it.

If none of this works…start asking people what they did to get their baby to sleep through the night, ask your pediatrician, ask people you trust...and then try the method that fits best with your personal parenting philosophy.

I eventually brought my first baby to my bed. He slept better because he felt safer and I slept more because he woke up less frequently. But that approach does not work for everyone. Nor does it work for me all the time…now that I have three kids that want their Mommy beside them through the night!

How about you? How did you start getting more sleep? Or how are you coping with sleep deprivation? Share. Someone will benefit from what you have to say.

Do you have a question for Managing Motherhood? Please send your questions to the Mommy Management team. We will do our best to provide answers, direct you to resources, or simply lend a sympathetic ear!

Although today is not Monday...from this point forward Managing Motherhood: One Monday at a Time will post new "managing tips" each Monday.

Come back next week for: how to divide the household chores with your spouse/partner. You don’t want to miss this one!

Thanks for stopping by!