Managing Motherhood, Tip #5
Weaponry.
When I was working as a child & family mental health therapist I learned the importance of quickly establishing rapport with a child. The process taught me how to engage a child in a significant and meaningful way, in order to build trust. So, I carried around my "bag o' tricks" packed with crayons, paper, finger puppets and used some tried and true methods of trust building. The results? Meaningful human connection within a matter of minutes. And, if the child had not been too damaged by other people, immediate trust.
As a mother, I find myself using some of the same skills with my own kids. My oldest son struggled with intense shyness and suffered at the hands of a bully last year in preschool. It took a toll on him and required diligent and intentional questioning, listening and empathy from me. Although it was awful for both of us, I did not know the full extent of his despair through the experience until I saw him blossom into a different person this year... at his new school.
Because my oldest is so shy, he has taught me a great deal about how to tease information out of a reluctant person. I have learned the techniques out of necessity; not only because of my son's personality, but because I am a very, very busy mom. I carry a full teaching load, research, write and still only have about 10 hours of daycare per week. Therefore, I have to make the most of every moment.
So, when I picked up my son from kindergarten last Fall and asked, "how was your day?" or "what did you do today?" or "what fun things did you learn about today?" and I was met with his pat answers of: "it was fine" or "we played" or "nothing, mom!" I was less than thrilled. Consequently, I had to call upon the skills of yesteryear. Wrestle out one or two tricks from the sleeves...
Deployment of Weaponry, #1: Be Wrong.
Me: "Hey, big guy! How was school today?"
L: "Fine, mom."
Me: "What did you learn about today?"
L: "I don't know."
Me: "Wait, wait! Don't tell me! Um, you learned about the letter 'Q,' didn't you?"
L: (appalled look on his face) "What? No! We learned about that letter already!"
Me: "OK, I can get this. DON'T tell me! You learned about 'T,' didn't you?!"
L: (less appalled, more disbelief) "Um, no."
Me: "OK, OK, OK. For sure it was the letter 'N.'"
L: (finally, sympathy) "Mom, you won't get it. You aren't anywhere close."
Me: "Oh, ho, ho. I already know what it is. You learned about 'R.'"
This whole process has two possible endings. 1) I guess the letter; or 2) he can't stand my incorrect guesses for one more second and blurts it out. At which point we have now overcome the first hurdle and he sets about telling me every detail about how they practiced the letter, which words they learned that start with that letter, etc. If he comes to another stopping point, I start another round of glorious ignorance...
Me: "So, what did you do for PE? Wait, wait; don't tell me! It was kick-ball, wasn't it?"
Deployment of Weaponry, #2: Not knowing.
L: "We played this game in PE."
Me: "What was it? Checkers?"
L: "No, it was like a big balloon."
Me: "Did you float up in the air with it?"
L: "No, we sat on it."
Me: "What do you mean, I don't understand."
L: "We flew it up in the air and then we went underneath and sat on it."
Me: "A balloon?"
L: "Yeah, like the ones that float with the basket and the fire that shoots out."
Me: "Oh, like a hot-air balloon!"
L: "Yeah, we puffed it up in the air, ran underneath and all sat on it."
Me: "Oh my god, no way! I used to do that same thing for PE when I was a kid!!"
L: "Nu-uh! Isn't it cool when the balloon slowly falls down. It is like being in a HUGE tent. It was soooo cool. Ben sat next to me and we laughed so hard!"
Muuuuuch better than, "nothing, mom."
Being wrong and questioning from a stance of curiosity or "not knowing," allows me to initiate conversation with my son that goes much deeper, gathers more information about his life and strengthens my bond with him... all during our 10-minute ride home.
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